Thursday, July 15, 2010

One Year Anniversary of SAHMdom

It's been (almost) one whole year since I stamped in on a time clock. One year since I fought the 91 to get to work on time. One year since I worried about what mistakes I would make that day. One year since I cleaned a bathroom that wasn't in my own home, while visions of the hours spent in college swirled in my head. One year since I had to answer to Miss Tanya. One year since I've had to deal with parents in custody disputes and crazy he said/she said phone conversations. One year since I had to sweat in the outdoors without a choice to go back inside. One year since I had to decide if going pee was worth the trouble it made. Whoa, I could go on and on.

It took me a good month after leaving my job to detox from the stress I was under. I am not cut out to be a working mom. Really.

Don't get me wrong. I loved my job. I loved the kids, the staff, the school. I grew up with them: got married and had my boys in the time I worked there. I have a strong work ethic. I give myself fully to my job and try to do my best everyday.

But being a SAHM was what I wanted most in life. After I had my first baby (like minutes), I was already worried about going back. I was miserable. The day I returned, I was a disaster. I remember cleaning J's bottles after work and running around like crazy and thinking, "This is how it's gonna be?" Of course, we adjusted. And then came Baby #2. I had an overall easier time from the start. plus I acutally took time off before his birth to RELAX.
Still, I had that feeling that this was too much too handle and I wasn't being the mom I wanted to be. I remember the day when my MIL and FIL came to visit. They saw the madness after work, especially the days when I was pumping and defrosting and all that nonsense. My MIL made a comment, which I can't remember exactly, but along the lines of, "When do you relax and just be with the boys?" Because of our schedules, there was no time. This was not living.

Fast forward to a year ago: J was diagnosed with ADHD and we were wondering how Kindergarten would go and after school care. It was really difficult to leave work if he was ill or needed us (for both of us, especially me). My husband was confident we could manage on one income. I was excited with the idea, but scared. It was the best decision we've made...

Our house is a happy place now. We all get along much better. We eat better. We have fun together. We have time for each other. I've made friends quickly, even though I was thinking I might not meet anyone that stays home.

We've survived almost one year on one income. We had to cut out a lot of extras, but we have gotten used to it. In a way, I enjoy being a bargain girl. I have always been thrifty, but now I see it as a fun challenge.

I am so thankful for an amazing husband that has worked so hard to give me this opportunity. He will never know how much it really means to me. It doesn't make me want to cook anymore or keep the house any cleaner, but I know that I will have time to do these things and sit down and color a picture or go on an adventure in the neighborhood without worrying about what I need to do the next day.

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