It's been (almost) one whole year since I stamped in on a time clock. One year since I fought the 91 to get to work on time. One year since I worried about what mistakes I would make that day. One year since I cleaned a bathroom that wasn't in my own home, while visions of the hours spent in college swirled in my head. One year since I had to answer to Miss Tanya. One year since I've had to deal with parents in custody disputes and crazy he said/she said phone conversations. One year since I had to sweat in the outdoors without a choice to go back inside. One year since I had to decide if going pee was worth the trouble it made. Whoa, I could go on and on.
It took me a good month after leaving my job to detox from the stress I was under. I am not cut out to be a working mom. Really.
Don't get me wrong. I loved my job. I loved the kids, the staff, the school. I grew up with them: got married and had my boys in the time I worked there. I have a strong work ethic. I give myself fully to my job and try to do my best everyday.
But being a SAHM was what I wanted most in life. After I had my first baby (like minutes), I was already worried about going back. I was miserable. The day I returned, I was a disaster. I remember cleaning J's bottles after work and running around like crazy and thinking, "This is how it's gonna be?" Of course, we adjusted. And then came Baby #2. I had an overall easier time from the start. plus I acutally took time off before his birth to RELAX.
Still, I had that feeling that this was too much too handle and I wasn't being the mom I wanted to be. I remember the day when my MIL and FIL came to visit. They saw the madness after work, especially the days when I was pumping and defrosting and all that nonsense. My MIL made a comment, which I can't remember exactly, but along the lines of, "When do you relax and just be with the boys?" Because of our schedules, there was no time. This was not living.
Fast forward to a year ago: J was diagnosed with ADHD and we were wondering how Kindergarten would go and after school care. It was really difficult to leave work if he was ill or needed us (for both of us, especially me). My husband was confident we could manage on one income. I was excited with the idea, but scared. It was the best decision we've made...
Our house is a happy place now. We all get along much better. We eat better. We have fun together. We have time for each other. I've made friends quickly, even though I was thinking I might not meet anyone that stays home.
We've survived almost one year on one income. We had to cut out a lot of extras, but we have gotten used to it. In a way, I enjoy being a bargain girl. I have always been thrifty, but now I see it as a fun challenge.
I am so thankful for an amazing husband that has worked so hard to give me this opportunity. He will never know how much it really means to me. It doesn't make me want to cook anymore or keep the house any cleaner, but I know that I will have time to do these things and sit down and color a picture or go on an adventure in the neighborhood without worrying about what I need to do the next day.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Well, here it is. The day I've kinda been dreading. The day I turn 35. I'm not officially 35 until 7:02 this morning. And as I pointed this out, my teenage cousin said, "Well, enjoy it while it lasts."
I know I'm not alone in this anxiety about turning 35. I have talked to many other women that dreaded it. For some, it was the idea that 40 is right around the corner. For others, it was the thought of not accomplishing goals that they dreamed would be met by now. All could laugh (uneasily) at the thought of now checking off the third box down on most surveys. But overall, the thing that bothered most in my quest for comfort was the whole, "Advanced Maternal Age" factor.
Take my BF for instance. "Pixxiee" and her husband have been trying for years to have a baby. I can not begin to understand how they feel every month when that unwanted visitor beats down her door every month. She is constantly reminded that time is tickin'. She was even informed that even in adoption, she is "advanced." Talk about pressure.
The other couple of women I talked to both had their 3td child after 35. Both happy accidents. Both ladies wanted the 3td, but the husbands not so much. They got their wish. They also got worry and stress and lots of demands for their husbands to get taken care of immediately after #3 was born.
I would love to add another little guy to our craziness. My husband is on the not-so-much bandwagon. I can understand why though. One of the moms of 3 told me, "If you look at your family picture and it feels like someone is missing, someone is." I like this. I get this. I sometimes see an empty spot in our little family. I can dream. No pressure.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
On Monday, Jake asked, "When can I have a lemonade stand?" Since it's summertime and the livin' is easy, I replied, "How about tomorrow?" His friend, Josh, was there and the two started creating a business plan. It was going to open at 3 and close at 7, unless they wanted to go swimming, then it would close early.
So, Tuesday at 3 rolled around after a long day of questions and scenarios presented by Jake. What if no one comes? What if too many people come? What if I want to go swimming? Unfortunately, Jake's silent partner (his little bro) was still napping, so the Grand Opening was postponed. I contacted Josh's secretary (his mom) and let her know of the delays. She, too, had been hounded since 6:30 a.m. about the Grand Opening.
We gave up on Sleeping Beauty and set up shop. We didn't have lemonade (oopsie) and went with Crystal Light Cherry Limeade. Just as yummy, according to Jake. Within minutes we had a customer. Shockingly, a neighbor who is either always yelling at her kids or giving us the evil eye drove by and noticed the stand. Minutes later, one of her ultra-polite teenage sons came over and said, "I heard there was a lemonade stand." My heart soared. Thank. Good. Ness. Bless you and your cranky mom, you just made my day. He paid a dollar and Jake poured about a tablespoon in to a Spongebob cup. The teen said, "Thanks, that's all I needed."
Soon, Josh and his siblings and mom showed up. His 3 year old sister sat in full diva mode in her tutu and glasses, never cracking a smile. I think that kid drank about a gallon of the product that day. We had one drive by customer (they actually backed up and got car hop service, nice) and two customers due to social networking.
Although Dad paid for most of the cups, it was a fun day for all. And I think we made it through without getting a citation from the HOA....